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Wednesday, December 29, 2004

USA TODAY FOUNDER EXPRESSES OPINION, RIGHT-WING NUTJOBS ACCUSE HIM OF TREASON!  

WELL, WHAT ELSE WERE THEY SUPPOSED TO DO? NO ONE EXPECTS THEM TO START BEING REASONABLE ... EVER!

No comment from MMC. Just another one of those heart-warming stories about those nice right-wing nutjobs who supposedly represent "real Americans."

Hope all you Bush supporters are proud of your fellow Kool-Aid drinkers. That's the way to unite the country!

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Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Gift Cards: The Purest Expression of Consumerism 

As I head out to redeem my Christmas gift cards, I cannot help but note how the gift card represents the purest form of consumerism. When you recieve one, what the giver is saying is "Here, go consume $25 worth of goods at this store; I know that there will be one near you because its a chain store and thus they are evenly spaced over the metropolis every 10 miles." It is the only way to give the requisite "something" -- $25 worth of goods -- while really giving nothing -- a little piece of plastic with a pin number. Not that I am complaining. I am taking mine and heading out with a smile on my face. And I will not be back until I have Winning Eleven Soccer for my computer.

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Monday, December 27, 2004

SECULAR HUMANISTS WIN WAR ON BOXING DAY! 

DEFENDERS OF CHRISTMAS SUCCESSFUL, BUT FACE HOLLOW VICTORY IN AFTERMATH OF DEMISE OF BOXING DAY!

Millions of Americans were ecstatic on Dec 25 when they realized Christmas had come, despite the efforts of the evil liberals. But now, milions of the nation's self-righteous Bush-drones looking for a new issue in the Culture War must face facts. In focusing so much attention on Christmas, they may have missed the bigger picture. Boxing Day has disappeared.

It was very clear on Dec 26 that the secular humanists had won a minor battle ... and perhaps lost the war. Millions of Americans stepped out the door on the day after Christmas expecting the traditional Boxing Day decorations, Boxing Day parades and Boxing Day plays. But there was ... nothing.

"I guess we just took Boxing Day for granted," said Derby Dibblefield. "And now it's gone."

It is true. Boxing Day has just disappeared ... almost as if it was never even celebrated in America.

"We had to choose," said the one, true Defender of Christmas, Bill O'Reilly. "It was touch and go for awhile, but we managed to save Christmas. Tragically, we had to sacrifice Boxing Day. Maybe it was a mistake. If Boxing Day isn't safe, then what about other holidays?"

Reports provided by the Department of Holiday Security indicate that the Americans who like holidays should expcet the worst in the years to come. "Our intelligence tells us that the liberals and social progressives who hate America are heavily funded by terrorists and the French," said a guy on the phone who was probably calling from a strip club. "The minor holidays, like St. Valentine's Day and Labor Day, will probably be gone this year. Halloween will be gone in 2005. By 2007, the power of the evil liberal forces, emboldened by their successful attack on Boxing Day, will have destroyed Easter and Christmas and Independence Day."

"Stay calm," offered the president, as he pledged that every effort would be made to restore Boxing Day. At the urging of vice president Dick Cheney, Halliburton received a $50 billion payment to study the best way to bring back Boxing Day.

"I told you that if you voted for John Kerry, Boxing Day would be stolen by terrorists!" Cheney reminded the people of America, wagging his finger on a seven-second delay.

Halliburton promptly sub-contracted to a Syrian company that does not exist.

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