Saturday, May 01, 2004
(The Mushtown Media Corp. has in its possession notes taken at the Sept. 11 Commission on the day that President George W. Bush and Vice president Richard Cheney performed. Scoffers can not deny that these are the actual transcripts because of the secrecy of the Bush Administration brought on by its insecurity and culpability.
Our sources say it is not true that Cheney held the president on his lap and stuck his arm under the back of the president's coat - it was more of a marionette arrangement.
The president's evasions, stuttering, bad grammar and mispronounciations have been edited for clarity and coherence.)
Commission: Now, Mr. President, where were you when you heard about the first attack on the WTC?
Bush: I was playing with my kitty. He's a nice orange kitty. His name is Mr. Mittens.
Cheney: Excuse me a minute, Mr. Traitor Commissioner.
(Bush and Cheney whisper conspiratorially. Bush keeps looking at the clock.)
Bush: Unky Richard says that I was where we've always said I was and that there's nothing suspicious in the way that everybody in the administration always answers a different question than the one that was asked.
Commission: Mr. President, Mr. President, please pay attention. We said we would be done before "The Power Rangers" comes on, so quit looking at the clock.
Bush: I like the Power Rangers. They hit things and beat up on monsters. Hee hee.
Commission: How did you react when you saw the Aug. 6 memo?
Bush: (blank stare)
Commission: The one that warned of an impending attack by Osama bin Laden and al Qaeda?
Bush: An attack? I thought it was just a joke by the bin Ladens. You know, my family has close ties with the bin Ladens. They're a bunch of jokers. What a bunch of jokers. Osama's brother gave me a kitty once. His name is Mr. Mittens.
(Bush and Cheney whisper conspiratorially.)
Cheney: All the warnings were too vague. There was absolutely nothing we could have done except blame Clinton.
Bush: Yep, they were pretty vague. For weeks, I thought Al Kida was a guy who works in the White House. He feeds my kitty.
Commission: Why did you to Crawford for three weeks, the longest presidential vacation in American history, at the end of the summer, just before the Sept. 11 attacks?
Bush: Hee hee. Hey, Unky Richard, isn't it funny that we say that Kerry is weak on defense when we were the ones totally asleep at the wheel before Sept. 11. I bet we'll get away with it, too.
Commission: Mr. President ...
Bush: Well, I had to stay at the ranch for such a long time because I was really tired from sitting in stupid cabinet meetings and listening to all this dumb stuff about terrorists and attacks and Al Kida (He feeds my kitty, Mr. Mittens) and all that stuff. When I said I wanted to attack Iraq, why didn't they just do it! I'm the president! Everybody loves me! It's just those poopy-headed, tree-hugging, terrorist-loving liberals that don't like me. They keep stirring everybody up and helping the terrorists.
Commission: Would you care to explain that?
Cheney: He doesn't have to explain anything! He's the president. He's too dumb to explain anything!
(Note to Bush-drones who think it's treason to criticize the president except when he is a Democrat: The preceding transcripts could be true. We don't know because no tape recordings or note-taking were allowed. There are a lot of things we don't know because this is the most secretive administration ever.
We would also like to know exactly how criticism and opposition to the Bush Administration helps the terrorists. Be specific, please. When the terrorists see the Bush Administration's heavy-handed, clumsy and oppressive attempts to silence or discredit its critics, the terrorists can clearly see how lame and paranoid - and weak - our current government is.
Allowing, accepting and embracing opposition demonstrates the strength of democracy and its freedoms, the very freedoms we are allegedly fighting for in Iraq since we found out they never harbored al Qaeda and never had any WMDs - except for the ones we brought with us to drop on Iraqi civilians.
What helps the terrorists? Corruption, greed and arrogance of a government run by oil executives. Their manipulation of the press to mislead the public and to encourage brave but misguided American youth to go to war. The people's deepening mistrust of a government that expresses its contempt for the common man with every utterance of doublespeak, every contradiction, every nonsensical rationalization.
We at MMC are sorry that many "conservatives" are upset that so many people make fun of the president. But don't blame us. Blame the president and his advisors for providing so much material on such a regular basis.)
Thursday, April 29, 2004
"It's clearly a case of persecution," said John Ashcroft, Attorney General. "Mr. Gonzalez Rodriguez is just a very ambitious businessman. He saw a need for a certain service and he provided. Why are those crazy California liberal law enforcement officers interfering with a successful business enterprise?"
"The arrest of Gonzalez Rodriguez was a real slap in the face to business innovation," said vice president Richard Cheney. "American capitalism was based on the go-getters, the self-starters who can see a need for a new kind of business practice."
"Do you realize the effect it would have on business expansion if this misguided focus on "ethics" and "morality" and "legality" persists?" said Sopronia Thug, chairman of the Committe to Rationalize Corruption. "Look at all the major businesses that would be hamstringed: petroleum, pharmaceutical, energy, beef. Think of all those billionaires that would only be millionaires!"
Gonzalez Rodriguez expressed relief that all the charges of kidnapping and attempted murder have been dropped. "Most of the time, you Americans are so angry at the illegal immigrants. You are such hyporites to all suddenly be so upset about it."
Gonzalez Rodriguez is grateful to the Bush Administration for realizing that he has not really done anything wrong. "I'm just a businessman. I'm sorry if some people are offended by my financial success. But if you start jumping all over me, then the chemical industry will be responsible for high rates of cancer in children, the beef industry would be responsible for the coming Mad Cow epidemic, the drug industry would be held responsible for the high rates of autism. Where would it end?"
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
(Dog Breath, Idaho) - Clem Clifford is a rough cattle rancher in some rough country, and he really enjoys the harsh life in this desolate, wind swept corner of Idaho. He was happily married - to a woman - for fifteen years. Clem and his wife Clarabelle had a perfectly normal heterosexual relationship that produced five chubby, beef-eating children.
But then, the specter of gay marriage wrecked their relationship and all their plans.
Neither Clem nor Clarabelle had ever experienced homosexual feelings before. But the wave of homosexual marriages across the nation has presented the gay lifestyle as an acceptable alternative to straight marriage. And many formerly happy and content straight couples are splitting up to explore the advantages of having a partner of the same sex.
"I never wanted to be no homo. And I never knew no homos," Clem said. "But nowadays, it seems to be okay. And it got me to thinking ..."
What got Clem to thinking was the minor annoyances about living with a woman - his wife. "She always wants the place to be clean and she always wants me to put on a clean shirt, even if it's just gonna get dirty again."
Clem began to think that a major re-adjustment in sexuality would be a small price to pay if his life partner was - a man!
"I could see some advantages," Clem said. "I wouldn't have to worry about whether or not I left the toilet seat up."
Clarabelle expressed similar sentiments. "I realized that if I married a woman, I could buy all the shoes I wanted. My wife wouldn't get mad, she'd help me!"
Even in rural areas, far from the controversy and the tumult of gay marriage in Hawaii and San Francisco, millions of Americans are abandoning their longtime heterosexual unions for the advantages of gay marriage.
Kyle Smirkee, of Wolf Teat, Wyoming, left his wife of 12 years so he could move in with his best friend, Bubba Burpo. "We watch sports all weekend and our wives don't give us crap about it no more. Switching to homo-type sex was a little weird at first, but I got used to it. And it was worth it!"
"My husband always used to get mad when I tried to work on the car or make home improvements," said Nora Munch, of Puke Creek, Iowa. "But since I left him and married my manicurist, I got my own set of tools and a tool belt."
"I also like the way I can dress the way I want to now," Clem said as he showed off his new socks, light green with little brown puppies. "I was always afraid my friends would say I was gay if I wore stuff like that. But now it don't matter 'cause I am gay. And all my friends are gay too."
Sunday, April 25, 2004
"We have been working on this for some time," said Hector Prevaricator, the director of the project. "We realized very early on that the Bush Administration is infallible. There was no way that Bush's critics could have had any problem with Bush's policies unless there was a genetic component."
"It explains a lot," said Fuzzy Thinker, Chairman of the Conservative Committee to Kill All Liberals. "We always suspected that there must be a gene that causes people to hate Bush. Now we've found it."
The finding has created a lot of controversy. The president immediately ordered the Justice Department to start rounding up liberal critics for genetic cleansing. "It's plain as day that this is the only way to save the country from terrorism," said John Ashcroft, Attorney General. "Liberals will be incarcerated and isolated from the public until we can figure out how to fix their bad genes. They will complain about their "rights," but we are at war and we have no choice. After their defective liberal genes have been fixed, they will understand."
No one else in the Bush Administration was available for comment as they were all on a duck-hunting trip in Mississippi.