Saturday, December 25, 2004
According to a White House report, George W. Bush awoke to find a lump of coal in his stocking.
Hundreds of liberals were rounded up under the PATRIOT Act and taken to Camp X-Ray in Cuba. Under torture approved by Bill O'Reilly and Jerry Falwell, most of them admitted they had said "Happy Holidays!" instead of "Merry Christmas!" And even under situations of extreme mental and physical abuse, they adamantly refused to say "freedom fries."
"All we wanted to do was make Christmas a little less obnoxious," said one anti-Christmas activist who is currently in hiding. "Think of the children!" This activist will be apprehended soon because Mushtown Media Corp., realizing that these human cockroaches have no rights, is cooperating with the Justice Department to help in apprehending all secular humanists who agreed to speak with us.
"All the press had better start cooperating ... or else!" warned the new Attorney General, Sean Hannity.
"We would like to invite these brave defenders in the War on Christmas to lend a hand here in Iraq," said Gen. Brandon Tarkentine. "They were so effective in fighting off the 'spiritual Grinches' and defending America from 'hate crimes against Christianity' that this mess in the Middle East should be no problem."
Tarkentine suggested that a catchy name for the conflict in Iraq might attract more attention from the conservative news media that aggressively pushed the "War on Christmas" talking point.
"Let's start calling it the "War on Islam" and maybe we'll get more recruits," he said.
O'Reilly, Falwell, Buchanan, Hannity and Rush Limbaugh have so far refused to reveal when they would be signing up to go to Iraq to help out in the "War on Islam."
And, Merry Christmas!
(Take that! you America-hating, terrorist-loving commies! I'll say "Merry Christmas when I want, and you can't stop me!)
Friday, December 24, 2004
"If it weren't for Bill O'Reilly, we wouldn't even have known about this war," says Emmy Suggins, a spry and bright-eyed octogenarian from Bakersfield. "God bless him and Pat Buchanan for their efforts to get the word out. Why, if it hadn't been for FOX NEWS, we would have woken up on Christmas Day and there wouldn't have been no Christmas, and we wouldn't have known why!"
"At least now we have a fighting chance!" she adds as she sharpens her Bowie knife.
Millions of Americans know that there is danger. "We don't win every battle," says Merle Muddlehead, a veteran of the War on Easter. "Why, just last week, they took out one of the Christmas carols from the program at the Orval Faubus Elementary School, and they made then put in a Hannukah song! Damn Japanese! Only six Christmas carols were left in! We may have lost that battle! But we'll win the war!"
And so it is, across the country. Millions of Americans are hunkering down for the coming struggle with the evil liberals and their heathen values. Milk and cookies have been laid out for Santa. But will Santa even come? Or will he be ambushed by atheist insurgents? Maybe the liberals will eat all the cookies.
It will be a long night.
(Editor's note: We at MMC would like to apologize if anyone has been offended by the "War on Christmas" series. However, we would also like to say that if you don't like it when your beliefs are ridiculed, you shouldn't have ridiculous beliefs. We hope that all our readers have a Merry Christmas. If the atheists allow it, anyway.)
Thursday, December 23, 2004
Give the gift of pro-White music!
There's a band called Prussian Blue, made up of a duet of two cute, blonde 12-year-old girls from California. And they are making music that will warm the heart and raise the morale of any ignorant redneck concerned that the country is going to Hell in a hand-basket because of communist notions like racial equality and multiculturalism and tolerance. Lynx and Lamb Gaede are the toast of the Aryan Nations!
Check out Steve Terrell's blog for some interesting commentary. (But be warned! It's not exactly a ringing endorsement!)
Prussian Blue has its own Web site, and a catchy slogan so there is no chance of misunderstanding their message, "We must secure the existence of our people and a future for white children."
(I'm not making this up! I wish I was making this up! It's funnier than anything I've written for a while ... for all the wrong reasons.)
For more information, consult the interview in the National Vanguard" and check out the lyrics to "Aryan Man Awake". (Again, I'm not making this up!)
May all your Christmases be white!
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
"Christmas ain't what it used to be in Bigot Bend," says John C. Calhoun Clay, one of the exhausted foot soldiers defending America from the War on Christmas. "Used to be, every single store on Confederacy Street was covered with angels and bells and holly. Now look at it!" he snorts.
I look down the street and see at least 10 Santas, 20 Christmas trees, and dozens of store windows painted with snow, elves and reindeer. But there is one glaring anomaly: "Solomon's Deli" displays only a simple white and blue "Happy Holidays" on the door.
"We have to take Christmas back," says Clay grimly.
Forty of the faithful, fearful of the social progressive forces that hate Christmas, have gathered by the nativity scene to defend this beloved holiday. These humble foot soldiers are frightened that, in a nation that is only 82 percent Christian, the secular humanists and pagans will try to place the symbols of Satan - such as the Star of David or the menorah - next to the nativity.
"Next thing, they'll be trying to make us worship Quizmo!" says one shivering Baptist. I suggest that she probably means Kwaanza, and she faints after having a hysterical fit and speaking in tongues.
Passersby wave and then taunt the Christian army by wishing them, "Happy Holidays!"
Clay winces and asks, "Why do they hate us so?"
Preston Jefferson Davis Lee Jackson, a 15-year-old Evangelical with a crewcut and a red tie, strides up with a message from the general. Jackson has been acting as a courier for the impromptu military organization that has developed around the defense of the Bigot Bend nativity scene.
After I read the message and prepare to meet the general, I nod my agreement at the young courier and try to hide the sadness in my face. Even if he survives this horrible war, he will never be the same. He has seen too much for his tender years. He knows that somewhere in New Jersey, a single parent objected to the inclusion of "Silent Night" in a school Christmas program. And even though the program went on with "Silent Night" intact, this boy can never forgive the liberal media for their role in this and other hate crimes against Christianity.
Jackson's mother tells me he has nighmares. He wakes up screaming. "Those little kids in New Jersey almost didn't get to hear 'Silent Night!'"
War is Hell.
I am ushered into the presence of Gen. Bill O'Reilly, the C-I-C (Commander in Christ) of this mission. This brave commentator has taken a leave from "The O'Reilly Factor" to be the "Defender of Christmas," as the simple Christian folk of Bigot Bend call him. O'Reilly is willing to take any risk (in the United States anyway, if not in Iraq) to protect Christian civilization.
O'Reilly has established his headquarters in the manger he and his army are protecting. His practice of sitting on the plastic Baby Jesus often engenders more than a little nervousness among the faithful. He also has a bad habit of fondling the plastic breasts of the Virgin Mary, but since this seems to keep him away from their daughters, the faithful tolerate this largely harmless behaviour.
As I enter, an aide is reading a list as Gen. O'Reilly stands sadly and shakes his head with great regret.
" ... four calling birds, three freedom hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree," says the aide.
"I almost can't stand listening to the casualty lists," O'Reilly says. "There are just so many. Fortunately I have a rubber stamp for my signature, so it doesn't take that long for my aide to sign the death notices."
"It's a bad situation," O'Reilly grimly admits. "They come at us with EVERYTHING! And all we have to defend ourselves is falafel and Gideon Bibles!"
"What do you mean by EVERYTHING!" I ask, using all caps.
This question angers the general. "Shut up! Shut up! I bet you're one of those America-hating terrorist lovers that thinks I say 'Shut up!' a lot! Shut off his mike! I wish Jesus was here! He'd shut off your mike and cure my syphilis!"
Suddenly, good news arrives! Wal-Mart is donating several million copies of a book they couldn't sell. The Christian Army will be able to use them to build a barricade around the nativity scene, to protect themselves from the onslaught they know is coming.
"Hey, look, general!" shouts one soldier from the top of the pile after the books have been dropped off. "Your picture is on these books!"
And it's true. Wal-Mart has provided more than a million copies of "The O'Reilly Factor for Kids" for the protection of the Christian Army. O'Reilly is on the verge of a fit until his aide takes him into headquarters to fondle the Virgin Mary until he calms down.
Hours later, we hear movement in the darkness. It's time! The attack will start soon. We see the figures in the darkness and they come closer and closer ...
But then they start singing! They are singing "O Holy Night," a carol I have never much liked, but it lifts my spirits anyway. It's not the liberals and pagans marching to destroy Christmas ... it's more Christians, coming to show their support by singing carols! We welcome them into our Army of Self-Righteousness and brief them on the nature of the horrible culture war that is about to ensue.
As millions of fundamentalist Christians hunker down to fight an imaginary war created by the conservative media to further divide the country, remember that there are tens of millions of Americans, Christian Americans, including many who voted for John Kerry, who are celebrating comfortably in their homes with their families.
And also remember that there are over a hundred thousand American soldiers celebrating the holidays in Iraq or Afghanistan. The next time you hear about the "War on Christmas," think about those American soldiers and what they would say about self-righteous stateside political commentators fabricating a "war" on Christmas for their own political advantage.
Monday, December 20, 2004
Conservative commentators, predominantly led by the lying loudmouths on Fox News, have a new hobby: promoting the myth that "liberals" and "social progressives" are relentlessly attacking Christmas. As usual, they have distorted their "evidence" so far beyond anything that really happened that only severely brainwashed Bush-drones could possibly believe any of it.
For a look at the incidents that "prove" this "War on Christmas," the Fox News Web site has provided a round-up entitled "Humbug! Christmas Steeped in Conroversy."
My favorite is the department store in North Carolina that encourages employees to say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas." The horror! It's just like the early days of Christianity when Christians were tortured and executed for their beliefs!
"Spiritual grinches in our nation are accelerating their war against Christmas as never before," said Jerry Falwell on December 11, with unusual restraint.
"What we are witnessing here are hate crimes against Christianity," wrote Pat Buchanan in a December 13 column.
Saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" is a "hate crime" against Christianity? Mr. Buchanan, excuse me for doubting your sincerity AND your devotion to Christianity when you make laughable statements like that.
The only people who believe that Christmas is under attack are people who think that things are true just because they are repeated over and over again. You know who I mean. Bush voters.
The Republican War on the Truth has simply added a new weapon to its arsenal in the attack on "liberals" and secular humanists: a fictitious "War on Christmas" that they have concocted based on a few wildly-distorted incidents and outright lies.
(For analysis of this ludicrous campaign, check "Media Matters for America.")
How un-Christian of these self-righteous partisans to exploit this day that is supposed to be so sacred to them! Would Jesus approve of their lies and their invective in his name? Are they trying to impress non-believers with their lies and their shouting? Do Falwell, O'Reilly, Hannity, etc. expect anyone to see the light and accept Jesus as their personal saviour based on the extreme self-righteousness and unbridled hostility they exhibit toward people who are also Christians?
Shall we note that these self-appointed "guardians of Christmas" could be accused of blatant self-promotion? Of wearing their "superior morality" as a prominent badge on each holier-than-thou chest? Are they perhaps lacking a little humility as they pretend to speak for Jesus in the manner of how his birthday should be celebrated?
Shall we consult the Bible to discover what Jesus says about shameless promotion of extreme piety on the part of his worshippers?
(Yes, we shall. I am one believer who thinks that the words of Jesus are at least a little more important that the words of the charlatans who have hi-jacked the New Testament for their own questionable purposes.)
Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven.
Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogue and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, "They have their reward."
But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth:
That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly.
And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, "They have their reward."
But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.
- Matthew 6:1-6:6 (All Bible quotes are from the King James version.)
And who would believe this fantasy that Christmas is under attack by "social progressives"? Instead of just accepting these lies just because they are repeated on the Lying Conservative Media, Americans should just go outside and look for themselves: there is no lack of Christmas-themed distractions anywhere. Restaurants, stores and elevators play Christmas music non-stop. The commercialization of Christmas, and the economic exploitation of the birth of Jesus, continues at an even-faster pace every year. The Christmas programming spews forth more and more product and the Christmas advertising doesn't stop until the faithful are ready for a good healthy puke after months of overindulgence. Santa, reindeer, elves, presents, trees, ornaments, TV parodies of "It's a Wonderful Life," the horn of plenty, angels, fruitcake, stockings, buy, buy, buy, sell, sell, sell.
And somewhere in there, I wish someone would take a little time to explain that some people in this country think that Christmas has more to do with the birth of Jesus than with advertising or sales or cynical jockeying for political advantage.
Christmas is under attack? No, Christmas is doing all the attacking! It is a cliche that the Christmas deluge begins earlier every year. This year I was heartily sick of it long before Thanksgiving. I swear, if I ever hear Anne Murray's "Good King Wenceslas," I will hunt her down and kill her.
Even if someone is attacking Christmas, I say, "So what?" In its current form, Christmas should be attacked, heartily and often. Grossly over-commercialized and advertised, this day - December 25, allegedly the commemoration of the birthday of the Prince of Peace - has become a vulgar celebration of conspicuous consumption, vanity and crass commercialism. At this time of year, Christians should be at their best. But no, it brings out the worst in us as we consume, consume, consume. And this year is even worse as the self-righteous commentators see a way to create a new controversy, a new way to further divide an already troubled nation with an imaginary "War on Christmas."
How does Jesus feel about such a mingling of the sacred and the commercial? Unlike lying hypocritical television preachers, I don't claim that Jesus speaks directly to me. Fortunately, we have a handy, little document known as the New Testament that we can use for guidance without the dubious interpretive skills of wealthy and deceitful television personalities. (The red-letter edition makes it even easier to find the things that Jesus actually said!)
And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers, and the seats of them that sold doves.
And said unto them, "It is written, 'My house shall be called the house of prayer; but ye have made it a den of thieves.'"
- Matthew 21:12-21:13
So, stop it, guys! You have embarrassed real Christians long enough with your hatred and your selective readings and your self-interested interpretations! Falwell and Buchanan and the rest should be ashamed of themselves for their cynical exploitation of Christmas for vulgar political purposes. Even without your questionable "help," Christmas has been horribly compromised anyway. And even so, no one is attacking it.
But they have no shame, they are liars and hypocrites, and the only "Jesus" they know and worship is a very strange and small-minded, little deity they have crafted through a series of twisted and not-particularly-clever rationalizations to support their divisive and greedy politics. They have hi-jacked Christianity and kidnapped Jesus, and genuine believers in the words of Jesus should denounce them as false prophets.
And, as Good Christians, even the Christians who can think for themselves without the help of George W. Bush, Bill O'Reilly, and Jerry Falwell, we know what Jesus said about false prophets:
Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.
Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles?
Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit.
A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.
Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire.
Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.
Not every one that saith unto me, "Lord, Lord," shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my father which is in heaven.
Many will say to me in that day, "Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?"
And then will I profess unto them, "I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity."
- Matthew 7:15 - 7:23
These men - Pat Buchanan, Jerry Falwell, Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly - are doing the work of the devil by making Christians look nasty, intolerant and stupid. And they are helping the terrorists by further dividing the country with lies and trivia, merely to demonize a mythical "liberal" movement that they have created for consumption by a gullible public.
When they try to enter the kingdom of heaven, Jesus will say to them:
"I never knew you."
Jesus ain't no dummy. You ain't gonna be able to fool him.
They have their reward.
(Next: An actual investigative look at the words of Jesus to find the part where he says it is righteous to hate persons of the gay persuasion!)