Sunday, November 13, 2005
I know I've been very hard on the preznit at times. I thought he was an adult, a tough cowby, and could take it. But the cowboy image he cultivates is more like something from a 1950s family sitcom, as the preznit often reminds us of a five-year-old in a cowboy suit with his little hat and his little boots and his cap gun. Aw, look at George, playing cowboy president! Isn’t he cute? He thinks he's Ronald Reagan!
I guess he can't take it. He seems to need the entire federal government, every Republican, and an entire television network to act as Mommy and intercede when concerned neighbors (known as Americans) come calling and start criticizing him for his misdeeds. (And by misdeeds, I mean lies and wars and corruption and treason.)
But he did stand strong in his Veterans Day speech and he resolutely stuck to the administration strategy of exploiting September 11 and the soldiers at every opportunity, and blaming the Democrats for everything. (Click here and here .) I even heard him pronounce a few words correctly. I find it inspiring the way he resolutely slogs forward despite his uncontrolled alcoholism and his stunning ineptitude. An inspiration to sufferers of microcephalia everywhere.
But this is not a column for slamming George W. Bush. There is no honor in that because it is just too easy. Occasionally, the preznit might do something right, and when (or if) that happens, he should be not only complimented, but also highly praised. Like when my little nephew makes a doody in the little potty and doesn't make a big mess, extravagant praise is good for the little man's self-esteem.
I think the preznit should get props for not starting any wars since 2003. Now I know many of you don't like him very much or the way he's a bit of a national embarrassment, but you have to give him credit for the current "No New Wars" strategy. It's been 32 months since the invasion of Iraq. I think the preznit has shown great restraint in not attacking any other countries in that time. Thirty-two months is a record for this administration, and it's a record we can all be proud of!
It's not like there aren't lots of reasons for going to war! (Especially for a delusional, elitist Republican.) George W. Bush prides himself on being a "war president." He often repeats it proudly and tediously through his hilarious struggles with the English language: "I am a war president." His constant need to remind us that he is a war president shows how serious it is to him. Not like those frivolous clowns like Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Woodrow Wilson and Abraham Lincoln who never expressed their determination and resoluteness by calling themselves "war president" repeatedly.
It's not like the preznit hasn't been repeatedly provoked either. Many countries have dared to defy the preznit by not joining in on the War on Terror, and some of them have gone so far as to criticize or make fun of the preznit and other key Republicans. (For example, I hear that the Syrians call Connddoolleezzaa Rice "Funny Dog Face.") Look at a country like France, for example. They only sent troops to Afghanistan AND they mock American arrogance all the time. Then, look at all the countries that didn’t send ANY troops! Like the Vatican! And Monaco! These countries are just asking for trouble in expecting the United States to shoulder ALL the responsibilities in the Oil War. PLUS, these are little, tiny, defenseless countries. Bush might have trouble convincing enough chicken hawk wingnuts to sign up for a war with the larger Axis of Evil countries like Iran, or Cuba, or North Korea, or Moveon.org, but he wouldn't need very many brain-washed College Republicans to swoop in and teach Andorra or Belize a lesson! Look at all the credit Reagan got for standing up to the repressive governments in Lebanon and Grenada! Surely, George W. Bush knows about the bounce he might get from a frivolous but speedy adventure to a defenseless country, and I say he should be applauded for controlling himself. He's a war president, you know! (Not that he’s ever been in any combat himself or anything. But, come on, he would have been a shitty soldier! If he had gone to Vietnam, I'm sure he would have single-handedly lost the war even faster than John Kerry did!)
So, thank you, thank you, thank you, Mr. Bush. The anti-war protesters just do not appreciate how much faster Americans (and Arabs) could be dying were it not for your resoluteness and leadership. Soldiers who are still alive should be grateful to you for your restraint. And I, personally, am grateful to you for providing every American with so many moments that will be so funny in the future, when we look back at the blooper reel that is the George W. Bush presidency.