Mushtown Media Corp.

Mushtown Media Corp. would like to print a retraction to a comment made about the president a few days ago. A posting a few days ago said the president looked like an inbred barn cat. George W. Bush does not look like an inbred barn cat. This was an unfair and unwarranted attack on the president. It is, in fact, his brother Jeb who looks like an inbred barn cat.

The president looks more like a gibbon shortly after his second lobotomy.

Mushtown Media Corp. apologizes for this shameful error and for any confusion it may cause our readers who thought for a few days that George W. Bush looks like an inbred barn cat.

Kill Bill, Vol. 2

I saw Kill Bill, Vol. 2, at a midnight show at the Cineramadome last night and it is really awesome! It may not be as good as the first one (I'll have to see Vol. 2 three or four times before I make a decision) but it is simultaneously exciting, thoughtful, stylish, smart and funny. One scene made me want to leave the theater because I couldn't breathe (I'm more than a little claustrophobic) but I was with some people and it would have been kind of embarrassing to rush out, clutching my chest.

I don't want to say too much about the movie. I liked it. People who liked the first one will enjoy the differences from the first film and the variety of styles that make Vol. 2 so much fun! And people who didn't like the first one ... well, what the hell were you doing in a Tarantino movie?

Small, almost microscopic animals are engaging in obscene and perverted sex acts in your home and, surprisingly, the government isn't doing anything about this gross affront to our God-fearing nation! Even though we can't see them, these little creatures are mating furiously in our midst and ... and ... doing things to each other that would make Clarence Thomas blush!

Among the mites known as Adactylidium, an impregnated female attaches itself to the egg of a thrip that will nourish her and her offspring while they perform their disgusting and obscene life ritual. (Note: The thrip is a real creature and not a Dr. Seuss-inspired beast.) Among her eggs, the female Adactylidium carries five to eight females and a single male. The eggs hatch within the female's body and feed on her remains for two days. While still within her body, the single male copulates with all the females - HIS SISTERS! - and dies within hours while his sisters run off to find a thrip egg to start the cycle all over again!

This immoral and obscene animal practices parental cannibalism, incest and underage sex on a regular basis! How can the government condone such a practice among any of nature's creatures? We demand that the government should halt all its various wars on terrorism, drugs, liberals and the environment to put a stop to Adactylidium and its perverted practices! If Adactylidium cannot be reformed, if they stubbornly adhere to these disgusting, pagan practices, then they must be exterminated to protect heterosexual marriage, which should only be between a male and a female Adactylidium that are not brother and sister and have not eaten their mother!

After all, think of the children!

Even more disgusting is the behaviour of Acarophenax tribolii, a related mite. The female, scandalously born pregnant, harbors 15 eggs, including a single male. They hatch within the mother and the depraved male seeks out and copulates with all his willing sisters! His mission in life ended, the male Acarophenax tribolii promptly dies before birth! (Probably with a big smile on his Acarophenax tribolii face.)

As well as the crimes of its wicked cousin, Acarophenax tribolii adds underage fetal sexual exploitation! Most shockingly, these practices are carried out with the supervision and approval of the mother!

What kind of a world do we live in where unrestrained "Mother Nature" allows such things to happen?! Where is the shock and outrage of the Bush Administration and their pious supporters? We would expect such neglect, and even tolerance, for such depravity from the Clinton Administration!

By ignoring the determined evil of Adactylidium and Acarophenax tribolii, the Bush Administration and Attorney General John Ashcroft are betraying the same good people who put them in office and have supported them all these years. If they do not start cracking down on the promiscuity of these dangerous mites - a threat to national decency that cannot be exaggerated - then the God-fearing people of this nation will be forced to shift their support to a more suitable candidate when the 2004 election comes around.

I wonder what Pat Robertson is doing for the next four years?

I have to admit it. I used to really love the Bush Administration!

Oh, sure, they were always really vile and corrupt, but it was always so obvious. Making fun of them was always easy and enjoyable. George W. Bush, looking like an inbred barn cat, would stutter and say "strategery" or something like that. Dick Cheney could always be counted on to be in "an undisclosed location," and you knew he had that perpetual smirk that said, "Wow, you Americans are stupid!" no matter where he was. John Ashcroft, Donny Rumsfeld, Antonin Scalia, whoever — you could always count on somebody to be saying or doing something outrageous, lying or organizing a really blatant photo-op or working through their malicious drones in the media — Bill O'Reilly, Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity — to shout "Treason!" at anybody who called them on their lies or dared to offer an alternative viewpoint.

But it's not always fun to do this. No matter how arrogant or transparent its antics are, the Bush Administration's disastrous policies have caused the deaths of hundreds of American soldiers and killed thousands of civilians in Iraq and Afghanistan. The net effect on terrorism will probably be negligible when all is said and done. America has lost the respect of the international community that had been carefully crafted by the Clinton Administration.

It's not funny. No matter how ridiculous they look with their self-righteousness and their hostility and their rationalizations, it's sometimes difficult to find the stomach to make fun of their greed and their hypocrisy and the demoralizing effect on the nation.

Worst of all is the betrayal of the regular American, the guys who put Bush in office.

These people in the Bush Administration aren't very clever. And they really think Americans are stupid. But Americans aren't stupid. They are trusting. They have been reluctant to believe that trusted leaders, even a political lightweight like George W. Bush, could indulge in the cynical, profit-mongering, environment-hating machinations that have characterized the Bush Administration.

But it's becoming more and more clear that there is no other explanation for the mess in Iraq. And people are realizing that the most inflammatory and incriminating statements of the "liberals" are probably true. More tragic, they are just the tip of the iceberg.

The latest news has John Ashcroft blaming the Sept. 11 terror attacks on ... Clinton.

And that's not very funny. Or honorable.

The revolt in Iraq happened just in time! We were on the verge of losing the war entirely during those months of relative peace, but the upsurge of violence must be very reassuring to the Bush Administration in general and to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld in particular.

Because it was Donny Rumsfeld who said, late last spring, that Iraqi resistance means that we are winning the war!

I was very worried for awhile! American deaths decreased to a mere trickle. It looked as if we were making progress in pacifying Iraq. Resistance went down to a few isolated and not very effective pockets!

We were losing the war!

It looked like Iraq was going to be just another American conflict where, despite our best efforts, resistance just stopped at some point, America went down to defeat. The Hall of Shame includes such wars as World War II, World War I, The War with Mexico, The Spanish-American War and the American Revolution. It was very disappointing in all these cases, that point when our enemies stopped resisting, and we knew we had lost.

But Americans can hold their heads high because of the recent outbreaks of violence and the growing American casualties. Resistance means we are winning the war! Donny Rumsfeld said so.

DEFEAT IS VICTORY!

SLAVERY IS FREEDOM!

GEORGE W. BUSH IS A GOOD PRESIDENT!

It is very heartening to see that Donny Rumsfeld seems to be very well-read. He has obviously read George Orwell's "1984."

Unfortunately, he seems to have decided that Doublespeak is a good thing. And he seems to have misunderstood Orwell.

Donny, Orwell was being critical!

(Note: Mushtown Media Corp. would like to point out that Rumsfled made his statement about resistance almost a year ago. Rumsfeld has been keeping a low profile lately. It may be unfair for Mushtown Media Corp. to mention past statements in modern contexts. But we also think it is unfair for politicians who have never seen combat to make statements like "Bring it on!" and "Resistance proves we're winning!" without a little scrutiny.)

A GOLDEN TREASURY OF THE RIGHT-WING'S VERY BEST IN POLITICAL HUMOR

Why did the liberal cross the road?
To help the terrorists!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

How many liberals does it take to betray America?
Two. One to watch CNN, one to organize a commie peace rally, and one to help the terrorists!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

How many liberals does it take to love America?
None.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

What do you call someone who thinks he can come up with a better candidate for president than a drunk driver and cocaine abuser?
A liberal!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

How will the Bush Administration pay for the War on Iraq?
By selling the liberals into slavery!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Why is Iraq becoming a horrifying quagmire with a brand-new Shiite revolt and dozens of new American casualties?
It's Clinton's fault!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Mushtown Media Corp. would like to thank our friends on the right for forwarding these very funny and incisive political jokes.

It must have been very uncomfortable for the high school principal at Presbyterian High School in Hattiesburg, Miss. He was so excited to have a real, live, breathing Supreme Court Justice speaking at his school, on the subject of the Constitution. Unfortunately, the school had booked Antonin Scalia, the high court's resident embarrassment, and the prestigious event turned into a unsettling example of the constitutional hypocrisy that not infrequently characterizes Bush Administration actions.

Scalia forbids press coverage and tape recording of his public speaking events. Usually, an announcement is made beforehand, but no one said anything forbidding the press at Presbyterian High School and several reporters were present, taking notes and taping the speech. They were soon confronted by U.S. marshals who confiscated the tapes.

"This is a major embarrassment," said a University of Minnesota law professor. "And it is unsupportable as a matter of law." Another law professor, from New York University, said, "This doesn't live up to the ideals of the First Amendment. He should know he can't use a U.S. marshal as a private police force to enforce his will."

Scalia should know it, but, like so many of his cronies in the Bush Administration, he thinks he can do whatever he damn well pleases. It is pretty easy for him to something inspiring, like, "I am here to persuade you that our Constitution is something extraordinary, something to revere." But it is nearly impossible for him to actually practice the spirit of the Constitution.

A free press is necessary in a democracy, and part of that freedom includes access to public officials. As a member of the highest court in the land and part of a government that speaks forcefully and often of its committment to spreading democracy in the Middle East, Scalia should know what "freedom of the press" means and how vital it is to the preservation of democratic ideals. His policy of depriving the press of access to his public appearances reeks of the blatant hypocrisy that has become typical of the Bush Administration.

Scalia called the Constitution "a brilliant piece of work ... People just don't revere it like they used to."

Who would know better about a lack of reverence for the Constitution than Scalia? Apparently, he only reveres the parts of the Constitution that he likes. And he apparently doesn't like that silly bit about the freedom of the press.

Maybe we should give Scalia a break. After all, the Constitution is really long and it's hard to imagine that anyone has actually read the whole thing. And maybe Scalia has forgotten some of the more obscure sections in the many years since he was in grade school, when most children learn the Bill of Rights.

Here's a little refresher for Scalia, Attorny General John Ashcroft and other Bush Administration officials who seem to have a tenuous grasp of the contents of the Constitution:

"Congress shall make no law ... abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press ..."

Hopefully, this incident will be a wake-up call to people who make the decisions about who to book for First Amendment junkets and they will start paying a little bit of attention. Hopefully, they will start booking officials who actually "revere" all of the Constitution, not just the parts they like.

(Note: Since this article first appeared, Justice Scalia has apologized for the Hattiesburg incident and even implied that he will now allow recordings of his speeches. It only took 18 years as a Supreme Court justice and several days of bad publicity to get his attention. Mushtown Media Corp. would like to express our sympathy to our fellow Americans for having to put up with some of these Republican Supreme Court appointees for so long.)

Mushtown Media Corp. was going to comment on the most recent antics of the Supreme Court's most ardent hypocrite, the lovable and wacky Antonin Scalia. Unfortunately, we were not able to present it today and it will appear tomorrow. We apologize for any convenience experienced by our readers who really hate Scalia for the unsufferably vile toad that he is.

INVESTIGATION OF A CiTIZEN ABOVE SUSPICION

I saw "Investigation of a Citizen Above Suspicion" last night and I was really blown away! It's an Italian film made about 1970. I don't want to say too much about it because of its sublime and unique nature. It's a political thriller of sorts, about a murder investigation, but you've never seen a murder investigation like this one! The audience knows who did it the whole time, but the investigation is still thrilling. This movie veered so far from any formula that I've ever seen that I had no idea what was going to happen next and I had no idea how it was going to end. I love that feeling!

The music is by Ennio Morricone, who scored so many of those Sergio Leone spaghetti westerns, and it's a great score! I was grooving in my seat the whole time. My friend Scotty leaned over about twenty minutes into the film and said, "You really like the soundtrack, don't you?" (At least, I think that's what Scotty said. He mumbles a lot.)

I highly recommend "Investigation of a Citizen Above Suspicion" for anyone who enjoys unusual cinema experiences. It made me think of "Memento," not becaue it's at all like "Memento," but because they are both great movies that aren't like anything else.

Ciao!