Tuesday, October 16, 2007
"I Am America (And So Can You)" by Stephen Colbert, Grand Central Publishing, $26.99
I was a bit concerned about the quality of Stephen Colbert's new book, "I Am America (And So Can You)." After all, The Colbert Report is one of the greatest things that has ever been on television (even if Comedy Central's true sympathies are questionable at best.) It just didn't seem possible that a book, a mere book, could improve on the philosophy of the man who already speaks for me, for us, for America, for that Silent Majority of around 30 percent who know that freedom isn't free.
I needn't have worried. As soon as my valet Isaiah got back from Borders with the book, I carefully unwrapped it (for Isaiah knows full well that his inferior flesh must never touch any of my belongings) and I could tell immediately that it was an important book. Not by reading it (for I am not a big reader), but by looking at it. The edges of the pages are a silky red, and even on the inside, there are red words in the margins! (So it's not just like the Bible. Just close enough so you know it's an important book.)
"I Am America" also has a bright red tassel you can use as a book mark. It looks like it should have a golden cross on the end, but there is no cross. My butler suggested that Mr. Colbert was concerned that non-Christians would be turned off by a cross on the tassel and wouldn't buy the book, but I know that Mr. Colbert is a real man and wouldn't be swayed by that wimpy political correctness that is destroying our great nation and our American way of life. So I fired my butler for suggesting such a thing.
I think it is much more likely that Christ-hating secular humanists cut the crosses off the tassels before God-fearing book buyers could get to them.
"I Am America" contains chapters on all the important issues facing our nation, topics such as religion, the liberal media, and how much the liberal media hates religion. I'm sure it's all very good, but I haven't read very much of this book, or any other book, because I'm easily distracted by things like lapel pins and expensive haircuts and news reports that say that climate change studies and evolution are all based on junk science.
If I do have one criticism of "I Am America" (and I do), it is this: Colbert devotes far too little space to atheism (two pages), the liberal media (ten pages) and liberal academia (I was too lazy to count the number of pages). These dangerous elements of American life should be exposed in much greater detail (even if I don't want to read it). Look at how much Ann Coulter writes about these topics. She fills a column every week, and she puts out a book every year. Her critics may say she's repetitive, but if she didn't repeat herself so much, how would real Americans ever be able to remember all those talking points and who to shout "traitor" at?
Mr. Colbert also includes a section on homosexuals that should have been left out of the book entirely. After all, Mr. Colbert has a lot of wisdom to impart to all good Americans, and children should not be excluded. But children should not be exposed to any mention of homosexuals because they will immediately want to get their own My Spacebook page just to see what happens.
I predict Mr. Colbert will do very well with this book. Even my valet Isaiah offered to stop stealing the silver for a few weeks if I advance him a week's pay so he can get his own copy.
It's quite a dilemma. I can only ask myself: What would Stephen do?