Friday, April 23, 2004



After several exasperating discussions with a creationist about the difference between science and pseudo-science, I decided to go to the source on the issue of creationism. I stood on the roof of my Hollywood apartment building, looked to the skies, and asked for guidance. Actually, I asked for an interview. I said His name several times, getting louder each time. But there was no response. But then, I asked the right question ...

MMC: God!? Oh, God!? How come you'll talk to Pat Robertson but you won't talk to me?

IHVH: (grumbling) Good point. You got me there. You journalists ...

MMC: I didn't really think that would work. You really talked to Pat Robertson?

IHVH: Well, he's pretty persistent.

MMC: Did you really say George W. Bush would win the election in November?

IHVH: Not exactly. But you know how Pat is. He only hears what he wants to hear and the Bible only says what he wants it to say.

MMC: I see.

IHVH: What I said was, there is only one way that George W. Bush would win in November. And that would be if all Americans who think for themselves were poisoned in their sleep before the election.

MMC: Oh, uh ...

IHVH: Yeah, I'd be worried, too, if I were you.

MMC: I really wanted to ask you about evolution.

IHVH: Don't get me started! Those creationists really fry my hat! The cosmos is a beautiful, wondrous thing, so intricate, so complex. Not just what you can see, but what you can't see. Every chemical change at the molecular level, every dying star, its a beautiful dance. Beautiful choreography. Sorry to toot my own horn and all, but you mortal creatures can't really appreciate it.

MMC: Sorry.

IHVH:And the intricacies of natural selection! I was really into designing that part of it. I put a lot of thought into that. DNA, evolution, extinction and all that. And the creationists just sort of shrug their shoulders and sneer! Just because it's too complex for them, they act like it's too complex for me! Hmmmph!

MMC: They do seem to be lacking a little humility.

IHVH: I'll say! They worship things written in a book instead of looking around them and realizing the beauty of the universe. The Bible was written down and compiled by men. Then it was translated and re-translated. Some of the men who worked on it were ignorant, some were imaginative, some of them were very sincere. But they all had prejudices and they all had an an agenda to protect the authority of the tribe or the church or whatever. What are the odds that it could really be the literal Word of Me above all other books?

MMC: You work in mysterious ways.

IHVH: Bollocks! That's just a convenient and tiresome cliche to throw in when the questions get tough. You could use the same reasoning to say "Gigli" is the word of Me! THAT would be mysterious!

MMC: Well, all things are possible in you, O Lord.

IHVH: Except evolution, apparently.

MMC: Well, some things aren't for men to know.

IHVH: That's for sure! Everything won't be revealed to you guys, no way! It will all be revealed in about sixty million years to some highly-intelligent, mobile plants! Very colorful folks, them! They'll have evolved on one of the moons of Saturn and they're much more deserving of enlightenment than your species. But you'll be long gone by then, not even a memory.

MMC: Huh?

IHVH: Oh, poop! I've said too much! Uh, I better go, I have to pick up the boy from a barber appointment. He's probably already standing on the curb, looking to the heavens, saying, "Why hast thou forsaken me?" So dramatic! Good-bye. And listen to your mother!

MMC: One last thing! Who's going to win the play-offs?

IHVH: The Knicks! All things are possible in Me!

The Knicks! I find it easier to believe "Gigli" is the absolute and unarguable Word of God!


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