Monday, April 19, 2004


(The following transcriptions are from secret FBI recordings of phone calls made from the al Qaeda recruiting office in Fallouja.)

June 2003

Recruiter: Are you satisfied with the American occupation? Would you like to see Iraq return to its traditional Islamic roots? Are you better off now than you were under Hussein?

Mohamed al Harrad: Yeah, things are okay. I'm okay with American occupation.

Recruiter: What do you mean things are okay? Didn't you lose any friends or family during the U.S. invasion?

Mohamed al Harrad: Well, yeah, there's that. My wife lost both her legs but she doesn't have as much work to do because all our children were killed during a bombardment. My brother Omar is missing. My sister was gunned down accidently when she ran out of a burning mosque. What's your point? They're bringing democracy to the Middle East.

Recruiter: (whispering sinisterly) I'll have to try back later.

September 2003

Mohamed al Harrad: You again? Look, things are fine. I'm not interested in your organization.

Recruiter: What do you mean things are fine! How can you say that? How respectful are the Americans toward Islamic values?

Mohamed: Well, they could be a little more polite. They could stop staring at the women. I wish they would let us open up the church or the mosque which they have desecrated by taking them over and turning them into barracks. And it would be nice if they hired a few more Iraqis for some of the positions. Unemployment is so high and many of us our highly-qualified to provide certain services, clerical, administrative, medical, technical. And we would work pretty cheap. It would save the U.S. a lot of money. But I'm sure they have a good reason for neglecting us.

Recruiter: (whispering sinisterly) Curses! Foiled again!

December 2003

Recruiter: Are you ready to join in the jihad and push the infidels into the sea?

Mohamed al Harrad: Whatever for?

Recruiter: What do you mean? How are things going for you and your family?

Mohamed al Harrad: Well, things could be going a little better. We haven't had electricity or water for almost a year and the sanitation has completely broken down. I'm not sure why the Americans haven't fixed it. They must be busy finding Saddam. So my poor widowed daughter has lost both her children to disease and malnutrition. I still can't find a job and i'm really worried about this gangrene in my leg that I can't get seem to shake. But, you know, it's the price we pay for democracy.

Recruiter: (whispering sinisterly) This guy's tough!

April 2004

Recruiter: Hello! Al Qaeda Recruiting Office.

Mohamed al Harrad: I'm ready to join you guys. This is Mohamed al Harrad.

Recruiter: Wow! What changed your mind?

Mohamed al Harrad: The liberal media! I heard there were war protests, which means that the Americans are not united. So that, more than anything, makes me want to join al Qaeda!

Recruiter: Ninety-seven percent of our new recruits cite the liberal media as the number one reason for joining al Qaeda. How did you hear about the protests, considering that the mainstream media doesn't cover them very much?

Mohamed al Harrad: I heard it in the black market bazaar when I was trading my last jewelry for a few chickpeas. I also heard that some of those liberals are being critical of President Bush and some of his associates. If they are so lame that they can't put a stop to a little dissent, then it should be easy to push them out of Iraq! And some of those liberals are so annoying! Al Franken is just a smug jerk! And he's not funny! And Michael Moore takes so many cheap shots! After we kick the invasion army out of Iraq, let's go flatten Air America!

Recruiter: We won't have to worry about that! (whispering sinisterly) Thank God for the liberal media, the al Qaeda recruiter's best friend!


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