Thursday, April 29, 2004


(Pacoima, Calif.) - The Bush Administration, acting through the Justice Department, has ordered the release of Juan Pedro Gonzalez Rodriguez, the entrepreneur who imprisoned 921 illegal immigrants in a glove compartment as they waited to be ransomed by their families.

"It's clearly a case of persecution," said John Ashcroft, Attorney General. "Mr. Gonzalez Rodriguez is just a very ambitious businessman. He saw a need for a certain service and he provided. Why are those crazy California liberal law enforcement officers interfering with a successful business enterprise?"

"The arrest of Gonzalez Rodriguez was a real slap in the face to business innovation," said vice president Richard Cheney. "American capitalism was based on the go-getters, the self-starters who can see a need for a new kind of business practice."

"Do you realize the effect it would have on business expansion if this misguided focus on "ethics" and "morality" and "legality" persists?" said Sopronia Thug, chairman of the Committe to Rationalize Corruption. "Look at all the major businesses that would be hamstringed: petroleum, pharmaceutical, energy, beef. Think of all those billionaires that would only be millionaires!"

Gonzalez Rodriguez expressed relief that all the charges of kidnapping and attempted murder have been dropped. "Most of the time, you Americans are so angry at the illegal immigrants. You are such hyporites to all suddenly be so upset about it."

Gonzalez Rodriguez is grateful to the Bush Administration for realizing that he has not really done anything wrong. "I'm just a businessman. I'm sorry if some people are offended by my financial success. But if you start jumping all over me, then the chemical industry will be responsible for high rates of cancer in children, the beef industry would be responsible for the coming Mad Cow epidemic, the drug industry would be held responsible for the high rates of autism. Where would it end?"


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