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Tuesday, April 06, 2004

LEAVE THE OBSCENE BODY PARTS AT HOME! 

Considering the current puritanical environment and the lengths to which the purity police will go to protect their impressionable and stupid children, I have made a very important and drastic decision. I now leave my penis at home every day.

It is an obscene body part and it has the potential to be very offensive to some people. The Department of Homeland Security, the FCC, the FBI and the Attorney General himself could arrest me for my general impudent attitude, search me and find the obscene body part. I could go to jail!

The uproar over recent incidents like Janet Jackson's breast and Howard Stern's foul mouth has made me very nervous. Before I started leaving my penis at home, I could never relax when I was in public because I realized I was a potential threat to the easily offended because of my obscene body part. What if my pants were to fall down unexpectedly and my obscene body part was on view to feeble-minded conservatives and their stunted children? The shock might cause them to become serial killers, terrorists or liberals on the spot.

The potential for mayhem was too great so I made the big decision: Leave the damn, dirty thing at home during the day!

I think I made the right decision, despite the many problems I have to face without frequent consultation with my penis. Like most men, I do most of my heavy thinking with it, and being without my main thinking organ, I often find it difficult to get through the day. I don't know which magazines to look at when I go to the newsstand. I have trouble figuring out who to be nice to. I forget to laugh at bad jokes told by cute blonde girls.

Other problems are relatively minor. For example, the first time I tried to urinate without my obscene body part, I made quite a mess. (It was OK, though. It was only a McDonalds.) But it's all been worth it.

When I see the smiling faces on all the uptight Christians, I feel much better knowing that there is no chance I can accidentally offend them with my obscene body part. With my penis safely at home, knowing that I have done my part to protect easily offended people who I don't know, I get a warm feeling down there ...

Oh, wait a minute! I’m dribbling again!

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