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Thursday, May 20, 2004

ALEXANDRA KERRY SHOWS HOOTERS TO FILM FANS AT CANNES 

WE KNOW THIS STORY ISN'T NEWS. BUT THE REAL NEWS IS SOOOO DEPRESSING

She claims she didn't do it on purpose. And I don't see any reason not to believe her.

Alexandra Kerry, the daughter of that kinda boring guy who all sane people hope will be president soon, has nothing to hide from the French press. She was at the Cannes Film Festival, wearing this flimsy little number, unaware that flash bulbs have a tendency to impart transparency in certain situations. Like this one. And now it's all over the Internet and everyone is looking at Alexandra Kerry's boobs.

Well, not everybody at MMC thought this was funny. Just the guys. But we decided to run it anyway because the other big news today was an Apache helicopter wiping out 40 people on the Iraq-Syria border. Wedding party? Al Qaeda safe house? How many children are dead? And isn't it awful that we have to be so suspicious of the Bush Administration because of all the lying they've done lately?

So, here we are, talking about Alexandra Kerry and not talking about her father. I haven't talked much about Sen. Kerry. The worst that can be said about him is this: he's kinda dull. Republican criticism is pretty lame, blatantly so. The worst thing they came up with was he wasn't consistent about that story about throwing away his medals. Was it his ribbons, or his medals, or somebody else's medals? Who cares! The last thing the Republican leadership should be questioning is what a veteran did with his awards for combat.

Meanwhile, the Bush Administration is always doing something outrageous or hypocritical or stupid. Sometimes, the stuff I write for MMC writes itself. And I love it when the neocons start getting all indignant and self-righteous, spinning the most recent atrocity, serving up their lame rationalizations for public consumption, and generously providing textbook examples of logical fallacies.

Why should I write about Kerry? He's struggling a bit trying to find his message as a candidate, but it's still pretty early in the campaign and he won't even be the official Democratic candidate for several months yet. What has he done that's easy to make fun of? Went to Vietnam. When he got back, he bravely protested a war that he had fought in, enduring intense government scrutiny in the process. Then he got into politics and ... did whatever. I have trouble remembering if his first name is Bob or John or Jim or Sloppy Joe.

He married the ketchup heiress. He rode his motorcycle onstage on the Leno show. He has said some pretty harsh things about the Bush Administration. (Good for him! They suck!) And he, uh, he, well I can't think of anything else.

Oh, yeah! He has a daughter whose boobies are all over the Web!

You know, yesterday I didn't even know he had a daughter.

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