Tuesday, June 08, 2004
(Simi Valley) - Mourners at the Ronald Reagan Library in Simi Valley were shocked and surprised when the recently deceased former president came in through the front door and started joking about his miraculous return.
"They didn't call me the 'Teflon president' for nothing," he quipped. "Even death doesn't stick."
Reagan, who claims he is now an Avenging Archangel, looked pretty good for a 93-year-old man who died three days ago. A fit and trim Reagan exuded a blinding, golden light and sported a new set of magnificent, white wings.
The congregated mourners fell to their knees to worship his radiant presence, but Reagan spurned the honor. "You don't have to get your pants dirty on account of me," he said.
When Reagan's wife Nancy tried to argue with him about the abundant praise, he knocked her senseless with a bolt of light. "I married you 'til death do us part," he said. "And I died three days ago. I didn't come back from the dead to deal with this bitch any more. If I see her again, I'll smite her good!"
After a nice dinner of jelly beans at Chasen's (which he supernaturally recreated just for the occasion), Reagan began a vigorous program of righteous smiting.
First, he smited liberal commentators Al Franken and Michael Moore for their lack of faith in the Bush Administration's War on the Middle Class. Then he smited Jello Biafra, Jane Fonda, Susan Sarandon and the Dixie Chicks.
"Who should I smite next?" Reagan asked. Vice president Richard Cheney suggested French president Jacques Chirac. Reagan, glowing radiantly and spreading his shining wings, prepared to fly to France to give Chirac a good smiting.
When someone suggested that the resurrected former president could smite Osama bin Laden or other terrorists instead, Reagan smited him. "I'll smite who I want to smite!" he said. "Nobody tells me who to smite! I should probably take care of the Anti-Christ next - Hillary Clinton!"
Republican leaders expressed no surprise that Reagan returned from the dead.
"I've been expecting it all along," Attorney General John Ashcroft said. "Now he can help us win the war against the greatest threats to American liberty - medical marijuana and gay marriage."