Friday, December 24, 2004
"If it weren't for Bill O'Reilly, we wouldn't even have known about this war," says Emmy Suggins, a spry and bright-eyed octogenarian from Bakersfield. "God bless him and Pat Buchanan for their efforts to get the word out. Why, if it hadn't been for FOX NEWS, we would have woken up on Christmas Day and there wouldn't have been no Christmas, and we wouldn't have known why!"
"At least now we have a fighting chance!" she adds as she sharpens her Bowie knife.
Millions of Americans know that there is danger. "We don't win every battle," says Merle Muddlehead, a veteran of the War on Easter. "Why, just last week, they took out one of the Christmas carols from the program at the Orval Faubus Elementary School, and they made then put in a Hannukah song! Damn Japanese! Only six Christmas carols were left in! We may have lost that battle! But we'll win the war!"
And so it is, across the country. Millions of Americans are hunkering down for the coming struggle with the evil liberals and their heathen values. Milk and cookies have been laid out for Santa. But will Santa even come? Or will he be ambushed by atheist insurgents? Maybe the liberals will eat all the cookies.
It will be a long night.
(Editor's note: We at MMC would like to apologize if anyone has been offended by the "War on Christmas" series. However, we would also like to say that if you don't like it when your beliefs are ridiculed, you shouldn't have ridiculous beliefs. We hope that all our readers have a Merry Christmas. If the atheists allow it, anyway.)