Saturday, December 25, 2004
According to a White House report, George W. Bush awoke to find a lump of coal in his stocking.
Hundreds of liberals were rounded up under the PATRIOT Act and taken to Camp X-Ray in Cuba. Under torture approved by Bill O'Reilly and Jerry Falwell, most of them admitted they had said "Happy Holidays!" instead of "Merry Christmas!" And even under situations of extreme mental and physical abuse, they adamantly refused to say "freedom fries."
"All we wanted to do was make Christmas a little less obnoxious," said one anti-Christmas activist who is currently in hiding. "Think of the children!" This activist will be apprehended soon because Mushtown Media Corp., realizing that these human cockroaches have no rights, is cooperating with the Justice Department to help in apprehending all secular humanists who agreed to speak with us.
"All the press had better start cooperating ... or else!" warned the new Attorney General, Sean Hannity.
"We would like to invite these brave defenders in the War on Christmas to lend a hand here in Iraq," said Gen. Brandon Tarkentine. "They were so effective in fighting off the 'spiritual Grinches' and defending America from 'hate crimes against Christianity' that this mess in the Middle East should be no problem."
Tarkentine suggested that a catchy name for the conflict in Iraq might attract more attention from the conservative news media that aggressively pushed the "War on Christmas" talking point.
"Let's start calling it the "War on Islam" and maybe we'll get more recruits," he said.
O'Reilly, Falwell, Buchanan, Hannity and Rush Limbaugh have so far refused to reveal when they would be signing up to go to Iraq to help out in the "War on Islam."
And, Merry Christmas!
(Take that! you America-hating, terrorist-loving commies! I'll say "Merry Christmas when I want, and you can't stop me!)