Tuesday, January 01, 2008

MIKE HUCKABEE: He's worse than you think! 

Isn't THAT an inspiring campaign slogan!

And isn't Huckabee LAME?

I came up with the idea to write a little essay about the Huckebeast over a week ago, but I got busy, working the holidays, then visiting my brother for a few days, and coming home to work through most of the New Year's weekend. Some of the time, I get ideas that make little sense a few days later, or maybe I'll think they just won't have the same impact with the passage of time, and they remain a few barely legible words in my notebook and nothing is ever done with them.

But not this time! Mike Huckabee is the gift that keeps on giving. Several times since I came up with it, when I thought too much time had passed and this idea wouldn't be nearly as funny, Huckabee has come through with more homespun insanity than you shake a NASCAR program at.

Now, I'm not saying Huckabee is the worst Repug candidate. He may be. Each of them is awful in his own way. It's almost as if the Repugs are getting us back for making fun of their Great War Leader, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Criticized, George W. Bush.

"Worst president ever," we said.

"You think we can't do worse?" the Repugs responded, taking it as a dare.

And they showed us! They are now parading five or six really awful people before us, each worse than George W. Bush and, amazingly, each worse than Bush in his own very special way.

I don't know if Huckabee is the worst. His real problem is that he is the least self-conscious. As a former governor of remote Arkansas, he has escaped serious scrutiny until quite recently. He seems to say whatever comes into his head without really thinking too much about how it will sound to the people he is not pandering to at any given moment (and as he is usually pandering to "good" "Heartland" "folks" who think Jesus is coming to get them at any moment, he says some really goofy shit).

I guess we'll start with "Top 10 Moments in Mike Huckabee's Extremism", a Daily Kos diary that lists a few of Huckabee's ... I'll be nice and call them gaffes. Then we can move on to "10 More Moments in Mike Huckabee's Extremism".

(Mull those around a little bit. Read the comments. There's so much!)

I knew Huckabee was a crackpot the first time I saw him talk. But I learned SO MUCH about this human freak in the first half of December. Do we need to know any more? Can there BE any more?

Uh, yeah. (By the way, this is in no way comprehensive. Go here, if you can stomach it, for a lot more about the Huckabeast. (As they call him in Arkansas, I'm told.))

This is also eye-opening, about some of the company Huckabee keeps.

Just to show that his asshattery is not an anomaly of the distant past, Huckabee weighed in when Benazir Bhutto was assassinated:

In light of what happened in Pakistan yesterday, it's interesting that there were more Pakistanis who illegally crossed the border than of any other nationality except for those immediately south of our border, 660 last year from Pakistan who came into our country illegally because we don't have secure borders ... The fact is that the immigration issue is not so much about people coming to pick lettuce or make beds, it's about someone coming with a shoulder-fired missile.

We need to build that fence! So those Pakistani immigrants won't have brought those shoulder-mounted missile launchers all the way from Pakistaniland for nothing!

(He also said that Afghanistan is east of Pakistan. (Helpful factoid for my conservative friends: Afghanistan is west of Pakistan.))

Huckabee acknowledges he's a little weak on foreign policy, but he knows people ...

I've corresponded with John Bolton, who's agreed to work with us on developing foreign policy.

John Bolton responded enthusiastically when asked about his exciting correspondance with Huckabee ...

I’d be happy to speak with Huckabee, but I haven’t spoken with him yet.

Oh. (Huckabee must have gotten a little excited about working with Bolton. Jumped the gun a bit. It happens when you're a whacko.)

(Full discussion here.)

The latest: That nice Mr. Huckabee.

His campaign put together an ad showing that Mitt Romney is bad (who needs an AD to tell them that?) and that nice Mr. Huckabee called a press conference. But he said he wasn't going to run the ad! He had a change of heart, and he's against negative campaigning! Wasn't that nice of Mr. Huckabee.?

And just to show how nice he really is, that nice Mr. Huckabee played the ad for those nice newsmen at the press conference, so that they didn't come all that way for nothing.

And if those nice newsmen turn out to be not so nice and the networks play the ad and everybody gets to see it on the Internet and the Huckabee campaign gets all that air time without paying a dime? That's not Mr. Huckabee's fault! He had no idea that might happen because he's such a nice Christian man!

He reminds me of Larry "Lonesome" Rhodes in "A Face in the Crowd," but without the integrity, intelligence or charm. (Rhodes, by the way, was from ... Arkansas.)

(News story here. (Read the comments.) Discussion here.)

Are even the stupidest Republicans stupid enough to fall for this man's horse shit?

(Please, Baby Jesus. Make Huckabee the Repug candidate for president.)


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