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Wednesday, January 09, 2008

New Hampshire - Everybody wins! 

The primary season is well upon us and all Americans can take comfort that our political system, blessed by God, the best system in all Creation, seems to bring out the best in everyone as a sunny optimism shines forth from those Beltway pundits who represent our country's wisest sages.

Oh, sure there may be a few harsh words here and there, spoken in anger by unserious people like Alan Colmes. But overall the spirit of the primaries is one of good comradely competition. (After all, do we really want a president who won't fight just because the odds look bad? (Giuliani, of course, gets a pass for skipping Iowa because he single-handedly stopped the terrorists in New York on 9-11. Just ask him.))

It's like this: The primaries aren't necessarily about winning. They are also a time of learning, a time of growth, a trial by fire. Kind of like summer camp for political hacks who want to be presidential candidates.

Hope springs eternal in the heart of every presidential hopeful and his (or her!) supporters. And it is a testament to the positive and enterprising spirit that makes us all proud Americans that everyone is carefully examining the results of the early primaries, cherishing their victories, learning from their mistakes and finding something positive to say about even the most dispiriting of results.

And it's easy to see that everybody won in New Hampshire!

Yes, it's true. Only the most negative of the nattering nabobs can fail to find something positive to say about the candidates and their early primary experiences.

Mike Huckabee's impressive finish in Iowa tells us that some Republicans are serious about religion and will vote for the candidate who is brave enough to raise his hand in public and admit that he thinks God is too dumb to come up with evolution.

Sen. Barrack Hussein Obama's success in Iowa proves that racism is dead, and the only hate crimes in America today are those committed by those secular humanists who say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas."

Sen. John McCain has shown that he is not too old to take on a difficult campaign, wander around Iowa and New Hampshire, and rant like a crazy person about America's thousand-year crusade in the Middle East.

Sen. Hillary Clinton did not do well in Iowa, and that gave the pundits the chance to say that America is tired of what Hillary has to offer. Then she won in New Hampshire and became inevitable again. Hillary's changing fortunes have given all of the pundits a chance to be right, many of them more than once, as they change their reasoning to conform with day-by-day reality. This helps the pundits' self-esteem and, as most of them are generally very defensive about being wrong all the time, making them feel good about themselves is an important result all by itself.

Mitt Romney may not have performed as well as expected in Iowa, but he learned some important lessons. Money can't buy happiness, but it will buy Wyoming. He has also learned that he can make a 180-degree turn on a number of issues and not be called a flip-flopper, because he is a Republican. (I am especially unhappy with his current stance on anchor babies. You say he changed his mind? Go, Mitt!)

John Edwards, despite the season's most blatant scandals involving the shocking revelation that he is a lawyer with a big house who gets expensive haircuts, is still doing much better than expected, proving that the decadent Democrats aren't the least bit interested in the issues that matter.

Rudy Giuliani has, um, well, I can't think of a way to find a silver lining in his early showings. I'll call his campaign and see how they're spinning it and get back to you.

Joe Biden retains his title as the most famous person from Delaware.

Fred Thompson, voted Most Likely to Fall Asleep on Your Couch, has learned a valuable lesson. It's not a good thing to be voted most likely to fall asleep on the couch. And as soon as his nap is over, he'll be rested and ready to do something about it.

Rep. Dennis Kucinich will get to spend more time with his wife.

Ron Paul has learned the important lesson that his supporters are so crazy that they think his 10 percent showing in Iowa makes him viable. And they will keep sending him money.

Sen. Chris Dodd got to spend a very nice holiday with his family in Iowa.

Rep. Duncan Hunter may never be president, but he impressed Huckabee enough to be named as a likely candidate for Secretary of Defense, narrowly beating out Chuck Norris.

Mike Gravel has demonstrated that he has fire in the belly by his fierce vow to beat "Uncommitted" in the next primary.

Giuliani's campaign got back to me. They said, "9-11."

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