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Wednesday, October 26, 2011

LAST MAN SLANDERING 

The race to the bottom in the desperate struggle to be the GOP candidate in 2012.

Who will be the last man - or woman - standing in the GOP presidential field after the American political system has had its way with the current crop? An informal poll of myself and two or three other people, most of whom aren't entirely ignorant of politics, indicated that Mitt Romney was the unanimous guess of that small group. And, despite some recent activity by Rick Perry (who, some people say, is the governor of Texas) and Herman Cain (who, some people say, is the mayor of Crazytown), a White House run by Mitt Romney lasting past the GOP convention in Tampa in August 2012 is not an uncommon prediction.

So there will be plenty of time to comment on this man's crass and vulgar opportunism in the coming days and weeks and months that will seem more like years and decades and centuries before the first week of Novemeber in 2012 when all good Americans will either cast their votes or not cast their votes in this desperate experiment we call "representative democracy."

So I am tempted to turn away from Romney for the time being. He will be with us always, and it seems more fair to spend some time with some of the others, the candidates that may not last past New Hampshire or Iowa, like Newt Gingrich (who, some say, is the head of the Nathan Bedford Forrest Appreciation Society) or Jon Huntsman (who, some say, used to be governor of Montana or Idaho or Saskatchewan or some place like that) or Rick Santorum (who, some say, is a foul-smelling brown liquid).

But no. Mitt Romney has a blot, a blot that must be dealt with, a blot that goes beyond any mere awkward attempt to sound cool, a blot that supersedes any previous policy that worked fine but is now unpopular with those whose votes you want, a blot that overwhelms any mere religious differences, a blot that should be following Mitt around even worse than any dubious concerns about a candidate's made-up foreign birth, a blot almost as bad as (in the case of a Democrat) not getting killed in combat and, thus, not really being a war hero.

Mitt Romney strapped a dog to the roof of the family car in 1983.

WHO LET THE DOG OUT?

What a man!

What a cool, calm dispassionate decision-maker!

The Romney family was traveling from Boston to Ontario, Canada, in a station wagon, and Mitt took a look at the station wagon and their gear and his wife and their five kids, and he decided there wasn't enough room in the car for all that and the dog. So Mitt took action and put the dog, an Irish setter named Seamus, in a carrier that he strapped to the car. He did place a windshield of some kind in front of the carrier.

(One of my friends noted that it was probably a good thing that the Romneys didn't have seven kids. I can just see good ol' Mitt defending that. "I don't know why it bothers my critics so much that my two-year-old likes fresh air.")

Because Mitt seems to be one of those tough-guy dads who says stuff like, "We're not stopping except when I say it's time to stop," Seamus eventually had an accident and the predictable conclusion to the family adventure tottered toward a climax when one of the boys noticed a foul-smelling, brown liquid (presumably not santorum) dripping down the window and the side of the car.

The next little bit of the story allegedly shows how no-nonsense and take-charge Mitt is as a leader. He pulled over at a gas station and washed off the car (and the dog) with a hose.

He's just like General Patton!

A regular Field Marshall Rommel is he!

I betcha even Nathan Bedford Forrest wouldn't have thought of that so fast!

Any of the other GOP candidates would probably have just kept on driving to Ontario. Obama would have panicked and driven into a ditch! And God help the Romney family if Al Gore had been driving that car! He would have freaked out and driven off a bridge into a nuclear reactor, taking a big chunk of New England straight to hell with the lot!

We could all hope he's learned a few things since 1983. Or maybe we could hope that he's learned a few things in the last few years since the 2008 election cycle, when he made this statement. Number One lesson for Mitt Romney: How not to be a glib asshole.

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